Nothing says CHRISTMAS IN SEPTEMBER like a frivolous ranking system to determine who is the best overall sibling in the Home Alone franchise! And with the first week of the month under our belts, I now present to you:
The Annual McCallister Sibling Power Rankings!*
(*Kevin is exempt, because Kevin is the unspoken number one of any Home Alone related list. Duh. He's too powerful. A precocious survivalist sociopath who always hits his marks without endangering his immediate family? That punk John McClane wishes.)
Did your fave make it to the top? Click through below to find out!
4. MEGAN
Good one, Megan!!!!!
If you grew up in the McCallister household ill-equipped when it comes to the sickest of burns, you're not gonna last long, and unfortunately, that holds true for this list, as well - the weakest sibling has, of course, the weakest insult. ("You're so little and helpless, everyone has to do everything for you!" Uh, yeah, Megan? He's seven? You gonna trounce him for not filing his taxes on time, next?)
She also wears a turtleneck under a button-up. There's no excuse.
She's barely in the movie, true, but know whose fault that is? Megan's. (A filmed but scrapped moment from the original movie features a regretful Megan trading Yuletide worries with her father as they wait for Kate and Kevin's return. Test audiences gave so little a shit about these two that the scene was edited out from future cuts. Sucks.)
List of known crimes:
-doesn't abide by the McCallister family's Ralph Lauren Winter Catalog unofficial dress code
-bitchy (but not sophisticated bitchy like Linnie or creative bitchy like Jeff, just boring bitchy)
3. JEFF
The look of a concerned older sibling.
"Kevin, you're such a disease" is indeed one of the most quotable lines in the movie. You can be sure it entered many a household vernacular after opening weekend. "Toilet paper and water"? Also iconic. And come on - Home Alone existing as nothing more than your side gig, because the rest of the year you're busy starring on Nickelodeon as Big Pete Wrigley? We bow the fuck down! But compared to the siblings who ranked above him, one can only rise so far.
Sorry, Jeff.
(At least you weren't recast in the sequel, like the winner of this list.)
List of known crimes:
-only packs crap
-carries toothbrush in the pocket of his cargo pants (ew)
-didn't invite Ellen Hickle to cameo in Lost In New York, crushing my grade school dreams
2. BUZZ
No one creates a visual quite like Buzz.
Buzz in part one, I can take or leave - he's just a little too oafish, too generic John Hughes guffawing older brother for my tastes. It's in part two that he really shines.
This motherfucker swindles his entire family by orchestrating the most magnificent bit of emotional manipulation in a school choir setting until Glee. Kevin eventually surpasses him as the maestro, but you can bet that the simpering powers he wields like a trusty gold-plated glock throughout the series were learned here first. Every adult in the room is putty in Buzz's greasy little hands.
(Of course, they are also a bunch of completely self-absorbed assholes with only a rudimentary understanding of the feelings or behavior of any of their children. But still. Impressive.)
This motherfucker swindles his entire family by orchestrating the most magnificent bit of emotional manipulation in a school choir setting until Glee. Kevin eventually surpasses him as the maestro, but you can bet that the simpering powers he wields like a trusty gold-plated glock throughout the series were learned here first. Every adult in the room is putty in Buzz's greasy little hands.
(Of course, they are also a bunch of completely self-absorbed assholes with only a rudimentary understanding of the feelings or behavior of any of their children. But still. Impressive.)
List of known crimes:
-shot first by eating the last plain cheese slice at the Great Little Nero's Battle of 1990
-spread South Bend Shovel Slayer rumors about actual angel Old Man Marley
-left poor defenseless tarantula alone in bedroom for a week without a pet-sitter
-ruined Kevin's pageant solo, thus pushing his brother's anger issues beyond the brink of no return
1. LINNIE
A middle schooler who can insult you fluently in two languages. Take note.
As if there could be any other*!
(*Note that I am crowning here only Angela Goethals, aka Linnie Number One, not Linnie Number Two, who is a complete non-entity and fires off absolutely no zingers at her hapless younger brother in Lost In New York! What the fuck, John Hughes?)
Linnie is introduced in the screenplay as "thirteen and perfectly beautiful" (which is kind of hmmmmmmm in a George Lucas circa Raiders of the Lost Ark brainstorming way). What she is, however, is perfectly AMAZING. In addition to crafting the best McCallister insult of all time, she punctuates it with a perfect derisive hair toss.
(My girl doesn't just save her snipes for Kevin, either - she unloads on Jeff, too! "I hope you didn't just pack crap" is embroidered on all of my suitcases. It's as useful as it is humbling.)
List of known crimes:
-pretentious (but don't we all wish this were our biggest flaw?)
Until next time!
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