8 Excuses to Watch Home Alone Right Now!

There is a vast majority of people who think that Home Alone is a Christmas movie and that watching it  at any time other than that is a little odd.   This is incorrect.  You know this is incorrect, because you are here reading this article, which is about to justify your completely rational urge and need to watch Home Alone RIGHT NOW.  There’s eight reasons!  That’s so many!  Surely one of them applies to you in this very moment!  So grip your sled tight and perch at the top of your staircase in your winter clothes, because I am about to open your front door so you can slide right into this majestic anytime movie.

1.        You are alone.

You’re completely alone.  Who is going to judge you for watching a movie that takes place at Christmas?  No one, that’s who!  You only have to deal with your own mental struggles on this one.  If you have trouble accepting your perfectly natural urges to watch, just think of Kevin McCallister.  Are you going to let society tell you what you cannot watch when you are, in fact, HOME ALONE?  No!  Go grab a giant bowl of ice cream, slap that VHS in your VCR and rebel!  If you find your resolve waning, take a moment to look up to the heavens and announce that you are watching a Christmas movie, and if anyone has a problem with it, they can come out and stop you!

2.        You’re with a friend.

You’re with a friend, and you feel the familiar tingle of wanting to quote your favorite McCallister sibling insult.  Maybe your friend doesn’t know how to pack a suitcase.  Maybe they do, but they just pack crap.  Maybe this “friend” is actually a neighbor that came over when you challenged someone to come out and stop you from watching, but you have an inkling that they, like everyone, actually want to watch Home Alone.  Suggest it to your friend by lying.  Say it’s been forever since you’ve seen it.  Tell them it would strengthen your friendship, because you both idolized Kevin as a child.  Tell them it’s fine to watch right now.  If they disagree with you, they are not your friend.  You are now with a stranger.  Set booby-traps. When you finally decide to call the authorities on them, refer to #1.

3.        You are surrounded by family, friends and/or loved ones.

Everyone loves watching Home Alone at Christmas time.  At Christmas time, people say things like, “I wish it was like Christmas time all year long.”  Make it like Christmas time all year long, by watching Home Alone with your loved ones.  Compare your family to the McCallisters.  If it is better, you can bond over it.  If it is worse, tune out those assholes and zone in on Kevin’s biting retorts to use next time everyone in your whole family hates you.

4.        You’re hungry.

Have you ever ate-along with Home Alone?  You should.  Kevin eats popcorn, ice cream, junk food, plain cheese pizza and microwavable mac & cheese that he got on sale.  Light a few candles for yourself and prepare a glass of milk.

5.        You’re thirsty.  For alcohol.

You’re a somewhat functioning adult who has already tackled the skills Kevin learns throughout the film, such as grocery shopping, laundry, and booby-trapping.  Celebrate adulthood with the ultimate act—booze.  It will help you quell those feelings of slightly identifying with Kevin’s mom or dad.  If you identify with Old Man Marley, you don’t have to be afraid.  He is a kindly neighbor that is, as Rod suggests, just trying to be nice.  Drink extra as a reward.

6.        You’re sleepy.

Home Alone is a family-friendly flick that involves child-neglect and cartoony injuries.  So naturally, they hired the composer from Star Wars, Jurassic Park and every other amazing epic to compose a incredible soundtrack that instantly gives the film a new depth and beauty.  “Somewhere in my Memory” is a fucking masterful song, full of slow emotion that can lull you to sleep.  Just make sure you’re ready for a power nap, because when Kevin starts setting those traps and the music starts pumping you up you will be. So. Hyped.  Don’t try to ignore it, or you will be trying to sleep through Harry and Marv’s tortured screams, and that’s sick.

7.         It’s Christmas time!

What a freebie for you.  Watching Home Alone at Christmas time is universally accepted.  While at one time, this may have been considered an oddball choice what with all the burglar-torturing and child-abuse, it is now happily accepted by the mainstream.  The classic Christmas carols only accent a beautiful snowy heartwarming tale of a boy’s journey to appreciate his family during the holidays.

8.        Someone just mentioned Macaulay Culkin the other day.

Someone you were talking to recently made reference to Macaulay Culkin.  “Whatever happened to that kid?”  They may have asked you.  Maybe you both saw that unfortunate picture a few years back where he looked like he was sustaining himself entirely on Red Bulls and the drug of your speculated choice.  Maybe someone was all, “He’s broke and a joke” and you were prompted to google his net worth to find out he is currently worth a reported $15 million dollars.  Maybe your mom was like, "Did you hear that kid from Home Alone died?"  Maybe she did that like three years in a row.  Maybe one of his brother’s beautiful faces graced an indie movie you were watching, and you were all like, “God, they all look alike.”  Maybe you even chose a favorite Culkin in that moment.  But guess what?  No matter what you think of him now, and no matter who your favorite Culkin may be, you will never, ever, be able to get over the admiration you felt for Macaulay Culkin in the 90s, or at the very least, Kevin McAllister himself.  You insisted to your friends that he was on all the drugs, but in the back of your heart, you thought, “I’d like to see him as I once loved him.”  And you can.  I give you permission to watch Home Alone RIGHT NOW.

Just accept your fate. (and this face.)